After love, it's all extras: Weddings can be meaningful without lot of fuss.
Publication Date: 18-MAY-06
Byline: Jackie Burrell
WALNUT CREEK, Calif. _ The guests gathered in Tony Black and Pauline Cotten's Sausalito, Calif.,
houseboat were thrilled when Black clinked his wineglass and asked them to gather round. This chic
cocktail party, they thought, was about to turn into an engagement celebration. But it was better than
that. It was a surprise wedding.
No fuss, said the Blacks, who celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary this year. There was no agonizing
over dresses or venues or bridal magazines, just a gathering of dearly beloveds, a minister and more than
a dash of romance.
These days, it can take years to secure the trendy venue, order the handmade gown and nail down the
Norwegian cloudberries. Two years of unrelenting bridal attention is bound to turn even the most
demure fiancee into a raging, stressed-out Bridezilla. And a bankrupt one, as well.
``A wedding is a rite of passage, not a performance,'' said Catherine Freemire, a marriage and family
therapist who teaches courses on life rituals at John F. Kennedy University and San Francisco State.
``Keep some relaxed energy about it, bring meaning to it,'' Freemire says.
The reality is, you don't need exotic cuisine or a butterfly release to get married, said elopement planner
Ema Drouillard, an ordained interfaith minister who has performed thousands of weddings. All you need
is a bride, a groom and an officiant.
``A long time ago I researched what you could take out of Christmas and have it still be Christmas,'' said
Drouillard. ``So what about weddings? What are the essential ingredients that make it heartfelt and
meaningful?''
Now, the minister performs weddings atop a crumbling stone tower, on the sand of the beach and in the
shadow of the romantic windmill in Golden Gate Park. She brings her camera and a bouquet for the
bride, and grabs misty-eyed spectators to sign the marriage license.
It's a ``sweet job,'' she says.
Some couples bring a few friends or family members. Sometimes they come alone. But they're all
searching for a romantic way to get hitched, without submitting to the expectations of a $70 billion a
year wedding industry.
They're not alone.
Last year, 1,164 couples got hitched by the Contra Costa (Calif.) County Clerk alone.
On a recent Friday morning, Brentwood, Calif., firefighter Jason Faria married his bride, Carmela,
midmorning _ one of eight weddings performed that day. On Valentine's Day, the weddings run every 15
minutes.
``They'd rather buy the house than pay for the big wedding,'' said assistant recorder Barbara Chambers,
who has performed more than 5,000 weddings in the last 25 years. ``They're just as married.''
Instead of spending $22,000-plus _ the cost of an average wedding these days _ couples spend less than
$100 on the marriage license and ceremony.
``It's a Reno-West kind of deal, but we wear our judicial robes,'' said Chambers. ``I want it to be real, be
genuine for them. You don't want it to be, `Next! Next!' I've had them jump the broom, smash the glass _
Mazel tov! _ toss the lasso.''
Some bring flowers, a limo and a gown. Others marry in cut-offs or, like Faria, don't bother to shave (it
was his day off, after all). But Chambers snaps pictures left and right. It's a special day, no matter what
the accouterments.
And once you get past the bride, the groom and the officiant, it's all accouterments. Prioritize, say
wedding experts. Spend money on what's important to you.
No one's suggesting that you eliminate flowers, particularly since, as Drouillard points out, wedding
photos without flowers look like prom pictures. But when your floral tab costs more than the honeymoon,
it may be time to rethink those Black Magic vanda orchids.
Bridal therapist Allison Moir-Smith, author of the just-published ``Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide
to Surviving the `Happiest' Time of Her Life,'' carried a bouquet of daisies, which coordinated with her
groom's yellow tie and flower girls' daisy-yellow dresses. She got married in her parents' garden, she said,
and her rehearsal dinner menu included lasagna and Klondike bars.
Other brides say there are plenty of other ways to save money. On the Berkeley, Calif., Parents Network
Web site, one bride described how her mother and mother-in-law-to-be bonded over pots of annuals.
Instead of buying expensive centerpieces, they clustered colorful, blooming plants in baskets and terra
cotta pots.
Oakland, Calif., bride Maxine McKinney and her graphic artist fiance made their own save-the-date
cards for their wedding in San Juan, Puerto Rico. The result _ mugshots of the couple with a note from
the San Juan police department requesting guests' ``expert testimony'' _ was hilarious and memorable.
``Since he's a graphic artist we did something really nontraditional, 'cause they tend to be cheesy or
corny,'' said McKinney, 28. ``We'll obviously be doing our own wedding invitations.''
And, a chorus of brides advise, when friends offer to help, let them. Talented friends don't just save the
couple cash when they offer to take wedding portraits, arrange flowers or style hair, they add a more
personal touch to a memorable day.
When Oakland bride Kaamil Bey started working on her wedding plans, she knew she wanted to
incorporate her fiance's cultural background into the festivities, but there were so many details to
coordinate.
``Adrian's from the Caribbean, so we wanted to incorporate that, and we love the Latino culture,'' said
the 27-year-old bride. ``We wanted people to have fun.''
Bey's best friend Jerusha Stewart -- an author with plenty of connections, fashion sense and a perfect
grasp of what was most important to the couple -- offered to help plan the event. Instead of the $3,000 a
planner might charge, all Stewart wanted in return was a day at a spa.
The result will be a wedding brimming with Afro-Cuban chic, with a salsa dance coordinator to get people
moving on the dance floor, and the hearts and souls of friends and family woven into the ceremony.
``(Jerusha's) finding a way to incorporate people who mean something to us,'' said Bey, ``having each of
them speak during the reception, read, sing.''
___
ONLINE TIPS
_Bridal budget tips, inexpensive gowns and a hilarious and helpful discussion board called ``Kvetch,''
www.indiebride.com, the site for ``the independent minded bride.''
BY THE BOOK
_``Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the `Happiest' Time of Her Life,'' by bridal
therapist Allison Moir-Smith, helps brides stay in touch with the emotional side of this rite of passage by
acknowledging that weddings also mark a farewell to childhood, singledom, and mom and dad.
_``The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings About Getting Hitched'' and ``The Conscious
Bride's Wedding Planner,'' by bridal counselor Sheryl Paul, approach weddings from both the practical
and emotional sides.
_``The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,'' by relationship expert John Gottman, looks beyond
the usual ``communication, communication, communication'' mantra for practical tips on what really
makes marriages work.
___
WITHOUT GOING BROKE
_PRIORITIZE
Decide what's most important to you -- the venue, the dress, the cake, the band -- and prioritize your
spending accordingly.
_THE INVITATIONS
Miss Manners frowns at the very notion of wedding e-vites, but if you're handy with a mouse, you can
print your own at home, or use a discount printer, like Costco.com or Kinko's, to reduce costs. You don't
need save-the-date cards. And you don't need programs either. If your guests need a program to identify
you, they shouldn't be at your wedding.
_THE VENUE
A beautiful garden or home -- your own or a friend's -- is free and there's no two-year waiting list. State
and regional parks have beautiful, low-cost wedding sites. Most traditional reception sites are cheaper on
nontraditional days of the week -- like a Friday evening or a Thursday.
_THE FLOWERS
Forgo the big bouquet. A single, long-stemmed rose, lily or other extravagant bloom, wrapped in ribbon,
makes an elegant statement, too.
_THE CATERER
Reduce costs with a brunch or a dessert and champagne reception, rather than a sit-down dinner. Or,
hire a wait staff to serve hors d'oeuvre platters from Costco, your favorite deli or a talented friend's
kitchen.
_THE CAKE
Splurge on a small, beautiful wedding cake for the cake-cutting ceremony, and use sheet cakes to serve
the other 100 guests. Wedding cakes are $15 per slice, says Costco consumer expert Pat Volchok. Sheet
cakes run 50 cents a serving.
_YOUR TALENTED FRIENDS
Accept help from talented friends who offer to photograph the wedding, bake the cake, style your hair or
design your invitations.
_AND PSST, IT'S OK TO ELOPE
Get hitched at city hall, or just run away. Or hire an elopement planner to add a dash of romance -- Ema
Drouillard will bring the bouquet, take photos, make wedding night dinner reservations and perform the
ceremony too, for less than a grand. Hold a newlywed cocktail party at home after the honeymoon.
___
(Knight Ridder Newspapers correspondent Jessica Yadegaran contributed to this story.)
___
(c) 2006, Contra Costa Times (Walnut Creek, Calif.).
Visit the Contra Costa Times on the Web at http://www.contracostatimes.com.
Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.
Publication Date: 18-MAY-06
Byline: Jackie Burrell
WALNUT CREEK, Calif. _ The guests gathered in Tony Black and Pauline Cotten's Sausalito, Calif.,
houseboat were thrilled when Black clinked his wineglass and asked them to gather round. This chic
cocktail party, they thought, was about to turn into an engagement celebration. But it was better than
that. It was a surprise wedding.
No fuss, said the Blacks, who celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary this year. There was no agonizing
over dresses or venues or bridal magazines, just a gathering of dearly beloveds, a minister and more than
a dash of romance.
These days, it can take years to secure the trendy venue, order the handmade gown and nail down the
Norwegian cloudberries. Two years of unrelenting bridal attention is bound to turn even the most
demure fiancee into a raging, stressed-out Bridezilla. And a bankrupt one, as well.
``A wedding is a rite of passage, not a performance,'' said Catherine Freemire, a marriage and family
therapist who teaches courses on life rituals at John F. Kennedy University and San Francisco State.
``Keep some relaxed energy about it, bring meaning to it,'' Freemire says.
The reality is, you don't need exotic cuisine or a butterfly release to get married, said elopement planner
Ema Drouillard, an ordained interfaith minister who has performed thousands of weddings. All you need
is a bride, a groom and an officiant.
``A long time ago I researched what you could take out of Christmas and have it still be Christmas,'' said
Drouillard. ``So what about weddings? What are the essential ingredients that make it heartfelt and
meaningful?''
Now, the minister performs weddings atop a crumbling stone tower, on the sand of the beach and in the
shadow of the romantic windmill in Golden Gate Park. She brings her camera and a bouquet for the
bride, and grabs misty-eyed spectators to sign the marriage license.
It's a ``sweet job,'' she says.
Some couples bring a few friends or family members. Sometimes they come alone. But they're all
searching for a romantic way to get hitched, without submitting to the expectations of a $70 billion a
year wedding industry.
They're not alone.
Last year, 1,164 couples got hitched by the Contra Costa (Calif.) County Clerk alone.
On a recent Friday morning, Brentwood, Calif., firefighter Jason Faria married his bride, Carmela,
midmorning _ one of eight weddings performed that day. On Valentine's Day, the weddings run every 15
minutes.
``They'd rather buy the house than pay for the big wedding,'' said assistant recorder Barbara Chambers,
who has performed more than 5,000 weddings in the last 25 years. ``They're just as married.''
Instead of spending $22,000-plus _ the cost of an average wedding these days _ couples spend less than
$100 on the marriage license and ceremony.
``It's a Reno-West kind of deal, but we wear our judicial robes,'' said Chambers. ``I want it to be real, be
genuine for them. You don't want it to be, `Next! Next!' I've had them jump the broom, smash the glass _
Mazel tov! _ toss the lasso.''
Some bring flowers, a limo and a gown. Others marry in cut-offs or, like Faria, don't bother to shave (it
was his day off, after all). But Chambers snaps pictures left and right. It's a special day, no matter what
the accouterments.
And once you get past the bride, the groom and the officiant, it's all accouterments. Prioritize, say
wedding experts. Spend money on what's important to you.
No one's suggesting that you eliminate flowers, particularly since, as Drouillard points out, wedding
photos without flowers look like prom pictures. But when your floral tab costs more than the honeymoon,
it may be time to rethink those Black Magic vanda orchids.
Bridal therapist Allison Moir-Smith, author of the just-published ``Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide
to Surviving the `Happiest' Time of Her Life,'' carried a bouquet of daisies, which coordinated with her
groom's yellow tie and flower girls' daisy-yellow dresses. She got married in her parents' garden, she said,
and her rehearsal dinner menu included lasagna and Klondike bars.
Other brides say there are plenty of other ways to save money. On the Berkeley, Calif., Parents Network
Web site, one bride described how her mother and mother-in-law-to-be bonded over pots of annuals.
Instead of buying expensive centerpieces, they clustered colorful, blooming plants in baskets and terra
cotta pots.
Oakland, Calif., bride Maxine McKinney and her graphic artist fiance made their own save-the-date
cards for their wedding in San Juan, Puerto Rico. The result _ mugshots of the couple with a note from
the San Juan police department requesting guests' ``expert testimony'' _ was hilarious and memorable.
``Since he's a graphic artist we did something really nontraditional, 'cause they tend to be cheesy or
corny,'' said McKinney, 28. ``We'll obviously be doing our own wedding invitations.''
And, a chorus of brides advise, when friends offer to help, let them. Talented friends don't just save the
couple cash when they offer to take wedding portraits, arrange flowers or style hair, they add a more
personal touch to a memorable day.
When Oakland bride Kaamil Bey started working on her wedding plans, she knew she wanted to
incorporate her fiance's cultural background into the festivities, but there were so many details to
coordinate.
``Adrian's from the Caribbean, so we wanted to incorporate that, and we love the Latino culture,'' said
the 27-year-old bride. ``We wanted people to have fun.''
Bey's best friend Jerusha Stewart -- an author with plenty of connections, fashion sense and a perfect
grasp of what was most important to the couple -- offered to help plan the event. Instead of the $3,000 a
planner might charge, all Stewart wanted in return was a day at a spa.
The result will be a wedding brimming with Afro-Cuban chic, with a salsa dance coordinator to get people
moving on the dance floor, and the hearts and souls of friends and family woven into the ceremony.
``(Jerusha's) finding a way to incorporate people who mean something to us,'' said Bey, ``having each of
them speak during the reception, read, sing.''
___
ONLINE TIPS
_Bridal budget tips, inexpensive gowns and a hilarious and helpful discussion board called ``Kvetch,''
www.indiebride.com, the site for ``the independent minded bride.''
BY THE BOOK
_``Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the `Happiest' Time of Her Life,'' by bridal
therapist Allison Moir-Smith, helps brides stay in touch with the emotional side of this rite of passage by
acknowledging that weddings also mark a farewell to childhood, singledom, and mom and dad.
_``The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings About Getting Hitched'' and ``The Conscious
Bride's Wedding Planner,'' by bridal counselor Sheryl Paul, approach weddings from both the practical
and emotional sides.
_``The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,'' by relationship expert John Gottman, looks beyond
the usual ``communication, communication, communication'' mantra for practical tips on what really
makes marriages work.
___
WITHOUT GOING BROKE
_PRIORITIZE
Decide what's most important to you -- the venue, the dress, the cake, the band -- and prioritize your
spending accordingly.
_THE INVITATIONS
Miss Manners frowns at the very notion of wedding e-vites, but if you're handy with a mouse, you can
print your own at home, or use a discount printer, like Costco.com or Kinko's, to reduce costs. You don't
need save-the-date cards. And you don't need programs either. If your guests need a program to identify
you, they shouldn't be at your wedding.
_THE VENUE
A beautiful garden or home -- your own or a friend's -- is free and there's no two-year waiting list. State
and regional parks have beautiful, low-cost wedding sites. Most traditional reception sites are cheaper on
nontraditional days of the week -- like a Friday evening or a Thursday.
_THE FLOWERS
Forgo the big bouquet. A single, long-stemmed rose, lily or other extravagant bloom, wrapped in ribbon,
makes an elegant statement, too.
_THE CATERER
Reduce costs with a brunch or a dessert and champagne reception, rather than a sit-down dinner. Or,
hire a wait staff to serve hors d'oeuvre platters from Costco, your favorite deli or a talented friend's
kitchen.
_THE CAKE
Splurge on a small, beautiful wedding cake for the cake-cutting ceremony, and use sheet cakes to serve
the other 100 guests. Wedding cakes are $15 per slice, says Costco consumer expert Pat Volchok. Sheet
cakes run 50 cents a serving.
_YOUR TALENTED FRIENDS
Accept help from talented friends who offer to photograph the wedding, bake the cake, style your hair or
design your invitations.
_AND PSST, IT'S OK TO ELOPE
Get hitched at city hall, or just run away. Or hire an elopement planner to add a dash of romance -- Ema
Drouillard will bring the bouquet, take photos, make wedding night dinner reservations and perform the
ceremony too, for less than a grand. Hold a newlywed cocktail party at home after the honeymoon.
___
(Knight Ridder Newspapers correspondent Jessica Yadegaran contributed to this story.)
___
(c) 2006, Contra Costa Times (Walnut Creek, Calif.).
Visit the Contra Costa Times on the Web at http://www.contracostatimes.com.
Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.
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The Contra Costa Times